Today's Quote

The first requisite for success is the ability to apply your physical and mental energies to one problem incessantly without growing weary.
- Thomas A. Edison

Still at it

Well, this will be my 11th day of not smoking. It hasn't been easy, but it is getting easier each day. Yes, I still have cravings, but they aren't all that bad any more. And they are nothing like that fourth day. That was mind numbing!

And I have someone who has joined me on this quest too. One of the other managers at AKA Radio has joined me in quitting. Phaedie, you're doing great! Keep it up! I'm really proud of you!

She had told me that if I broke her old record of five and a half weeks, she would join me in quitting. Then she changed her mind and joined me early, and I'm really happy about that.

But I've also promised myself that I won't be one of those former smokers who just go nuts when around smokers, telling them how bad it is, or bitching about it in restaurants and such. Come on, people, you used to smoke! Stop being so tyranical about it! You of all people should know how hard it is to quit, and that, for those who smoke, get a lot of enjoyment from it. Stop pissing on their parade. We have a saying at AKA Radio.. if you don't like what you are hearing, then turn it off. Well, if you don't like being around smokers, then leave. Bitching about it will never get them to stop smoking.

No one bitched at me to quit. Yeah, my mom leaned on me a little, but not hard. And other than my mom, no one really even asked me to quit. I did this for myself. I was tired of waking up in the morning coughing up a lung. I was tired of racing to my pack of cigs the second I woke up in the morning. I was tired of making sure I had a pack with me when I left the house, and making sure that there were enough in that pack to last me until I could either get home, or get somewhere to buy more. I was tired of watching my money burn up, literally. I was tired of finding yet another cigarette burn on my couch, floor, clothes, etc. And I was tired of being a slave to the cigarettes. Bottom line here, I was tired of smoking.

From the counter on the left, at this point, I have already not smoked over 300 cigarettes, and have saved almost $50.00. Money that I can use on other things that mean a lot more to me. Money that can be used on something tangible, or to bring happiness to me and those around me. And not watch yet another dollar go up in smoke.

Quote for today

Whether you think you can or whether you think you can't, you're right!
- Henry Ford

Breaking The Habit

Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I'’m picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safe here in my room
(unless I try to start again)

I don'’t want to be the one
The battles always choose
'‘Cause inside I realize
That I'’m the one confused

I don'’t know what'’s worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don'’t know why I instigate
And say what I don'’t mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm
Breaking the habit
Tonight

Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I had no options left again

I'll paint it on the walls
'Cause I'm the one at fault
I'’ll never fight again
And this is how it ends

I don't know what'’s worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity
To show you what I mean
I don't know how I got this
I'’ll never be alright
So I'm
Breaking the habit
Breaking the habit
Tonight
- Breaking The Habit by Linkin Park

We all have addictions. Things like smoking are easy to talk about. It's pretty easy for me to find a multitude of people who want to encourage me, support me, and do what they can to help during my time of breaking the habit. But this isn't always the case for other addictions we may have in our lives.

I know a lot of my close friends are going through things that are just as hard, if not harder, than trying to quit smoking. And very few people know about these "addictions". Only your very close friends and confidants will ever know you are having a hard time dealing with an issue, overcoming an addiction, breaking a habit.

For those of you who have helped me through this time of change thus far, I truly thank you for your support. For those of you who have been there supporting me, and at the same time, allowing me to know some heavy stuff going on in your life, I hope I am giving you some support too. Some of you are really having a hard time dealing with your "stuff", and I want you to know that I do support you in your time of change too. These are hard times, and sometimes it feels like it's all too much, that there is no end in sight. But there is. And every day, every minute that you can stay away from those things that have you trapped, those bad thoughts, those past unhealthy behaviors, will build your self esteem and make you stronger and more able to be that awesome person that you truly are.

Friends, thank you for helping me with my struggle. Know that I am there for you too. Even if it's just to bust your balls on what you're doing and make you laugh about it. Kinda like gloating in the fact you're having a long drag on your Marlboro...jeh, jeh, jeh.

~peace

Amazing!

On my way home from work tonight, I stopped by the pharmacy to pick up some maintenance meds I take. While I waited on them to get my order together, I stuck my arm in one of those blood pressure checking machines. My BP has always ran towards the high side, not actually classified as high blood pressure, but borderline high. So I wanted to see if there was any change in the thing since stopping smoking 5 days ago. And I really didn't expect there to be much of a change this soon.

Much to my surprise, it was actually lower! Still not in the normal range, but VERY DAMN CLOSE! Normal BP is 120/80 or lower, and I hit 121/85. Hey, I know that may not be exciting to any of you, but I'm used to seeing it hovering around 135/88. For me, this is FANTASTIC news and I'm really happy with this!

Take pride in the small victories of life!

~peace

It's all about the Five

Well, according to the ol' counter to the left, I've made it to the five day mark! Not one puff of a cigarette in five days. Wow. I really never thought I could hold out this long. I'm really starting to think I can do this now.

Yes, there are still ups and downs, good times and really hard times. But hell, isn't most of life like this?

I am more powerful than this damn habit. Addiction. Weakness. Whatever you want to call it. And I will defeat this!

Incidentally, every day that passes adds to my self esteem, and makes me feel better about myself. Knowing that I have already made it through some of the toughest parts is empowering!

Oh, and feel free to tune into my radio show tonight at midnight, eastern time! AKA Radio Rocks!

~later

Today's Quote

Remind yourself regularly that you are better than you think you are. Successful people are not superhuman. Success does not require a super-intellect. Nor is there anything mystical about success. And success isn't based on luck. Successful people are just ordinary folks who have developed belief in themselves and what they do. Never - yes, never - sell yourself short.
- David J. Schwartz

Today has been easier

Yes, today has been easier. Thank the gods! Yesterday morning was tough. Possibly my toughest so far, other than those initial withdrawals. But I made it through yesterday, and today will be met as the rest have been. One moment at a time. All I have to do, when those cravings hit, is just force myself to give it 15 minutes. If it hasn't passed by then, give it another 15 minutes. Thanks Tig, for teaching me this lesson!

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I've had a lot of support from my AKA Radio family. They continue to show me their support each day. I am asked how I'm holding up, and I am praised for each day that passes without caving in to the overwhelming desire to fail. But another benefit seems to have started emerging. I may have a person or two joining me! I don't know if I have been any kind of inspiration, or what, but if others want to join me in this very hard path, I will welcome the company, and try to give you as much support as I have been shown. It won't be easy, but the benefits are well worth it. As you can see from the counter at the top left, the savings add up rather quickly.

Phaedie, if you are still with me, I'm proud of you! You can do this! You are more powerful than that little white tube! Kick it's ass!

~peace

Keep tabs on me!

I've added a new feature to this blog that you will see over to the left just below the page title and description. This keeps a running tally of my progress, with how much time has passed, how many cancer sticks I have not smoked, and a running tally of the amount of money I would have spent on lung pollution. Feel free to watch the dollars add up!

Thanks to Phaedie for finding code for my blog site to help keep track of my prograss! <3 Phaedie!!!

Quote for today

Disciplining yourself to do what you know is right and important, although difficult, is the highroad to pride, self-esteem, and personal satisfaction.
- Brian Tracy

Mornings Suck

Just woke up on what will be the lead-in to my 4th smoke-free day.

Mornings suck. Body is really craving that morning smoke. I'm fighting this urge really hard. Listening to some good music on AKA Radio, though and I'm heading into a hot shower on this cool morning. Hopefully that will shake the urge by the time I race to work.

Oh yeah, driving without smoking sucks too.

~out

Damn Lazy Programmers

After looking at the stats on that Stop Smoking Stat Tracker, I realized things weren't adding up right. Then I realized the problem. While whoever programmed it had a place to enter your quit date, he/she failed to provide a place to enter your quit TIME.

Being the crafty program hacker that I am, I found the file the program uses to parse it's stats. After changing the time hard coded from 12AM to 6PM, the stats are closer to correct. And as of 1:00am, here are the current stats on how I'm doing:

Since 10/14/2005, I've been smoke-free for:
3 Days, 7 Hours, 5 Minutes, 14 Seconds.

I have saved $10.80 by not smoking 91 cigarettes.
By not smoking I have added
10 Hours, 44 Minutes, 8 seconds.
to my life expectancy.

Quote

Quote of the Day:

Believe and act as if it were impossible to fail.
- Charles F. Kettering

And on the Third Day...

So I'm on my third smoke-free day. The cravings still come, but I don't think they are coming as frequently. The bad moods come, but they pass too. I did get a bit snarky today with a fellow DJ in the chatroom. I apologized later for my rudeness, and I knew I shouldn't have said what I did right after I typed it. I left the room after that because I knew that the lashing out wouldn't stop until the smoking urge had passed. So I took a long hot shower and got myself ready for work.

I tell ya, when that mean streak hits, there is really not much you can do about it other than ride it out. And then beg forgiveness later.

I found a pretty neat web site today to help people quit smoking. It keeps a running total of cost/life savings, as well as a lot of tips to help you quit and stay quit. It's the Stop Smoking Center and has tons of good information. Here is a snapshot of my current "savings".


My Quit Date: 10/14/2005
Smoke-Free Days: 3
Cigarettes Not Smoked: 118
Amount Saved: $13.5
Life Gained:
Days: 0 Hrs: 14 Mins: 4 Seconds: 12

Anyway, I've got another 3 hours of my job ahead of me. I've found the time at my job is some of my hardest times, because so many of my friends smoke here. I have decided that as much as I can, I will still take breaks with them. I just feel like I would be denying myself of something pleasurable by not taking those breaks. I will just take my Eclipse gum or lollipops with me instead. I've also found one of those squishy stress balls in my desk. That helps occupy my hands too.

I WILL GET THROUGH THIS!

~out

50 Hours Ago

50 hours ago, I made a decision to stop a bad habit. A habit many of my friends share with me. A habit that slowly robs us of being in control of ourselves.

That habit is called smoking.

I am still not sure I will be able to defeat this demon, but I'm giving it my all.

I have been smoking for about 10 years. Not very long by some smoker's standards, but much longer than I ever dreamed I would be stuck in this trap. I had quit once before, with the help of the nicotine patch. And I stayed quit for about 3 or 4 months. Then a pretty heavy event crossed my life, and I bummed a smoke from a friend. Within a week, I was back to over a pack a day. It's a vicious cycle.

That first time I quit, I had made my "quit date" weeks in advance. I crossed off the days until that day hit. I tried to time my last few cigarette pack purchases so that I wouldn't waste them. I told my close friends of my intentions, in hopes I could get support from them. I bought the patch and read the instructions. And it did work, I did quit. I just didn't stay quit.

This time, I did things entirely differently. I didn't set a "date" in stone. I only told one person that I was even thinking about quitting. Until I actually smoked my last one, I didn't even tell anyone that I was trying to quit. I bought a carton about a week ago. Knowing that I usually smoke a pack or a pack and a half a day, I knew that I would run out somewhere around Thursday or Friday. I took my last drag on Friday around 6:00pm Eastern time.

That was about 50 hours ago. I did not use the patch this time. I didn't use the gum or any of the cessation drugs. This time is cold turkey. And FUCK YES, this is hard. I honestly never thought I would be able to hold out this long without some kind of slip. Bumming a smoke off of someone, taking a drag off of someone's already burning cigarette, or digging through my trash can for a butt that might have a drag left in it. But I have thus far resisted. The urge has been absolutely staggering. I have periods of time, this being one of them, that my skin is just constantly tingling, even my scalp. Very similar to the sensation one might get after doing a line or two of coke. (er, so I'm told...Yeah, that's it).

I have been trying to keep myself occupied. Chatting in my radio station's chat room, playing LOTS AND LOTS of Spider Solitaire, listening to a lot of music, playing a lot of music. I had a radio show to do on Saturday. That was very interesting, because I normally smoke twice as much while I'm DJ'ing. Getting through that without a cigarette was quite the challenge. I only screamed a couple of times. Heh. The guests and fellow DJ's and managers at AKA have been very supportive during this time. They let me scream and shout, and still give me bits of encouragement.

So thank you Tigre, tookey, nine, Cinco, phaedie, T-R-O-U-B-L-E, Dreheil, Kyra, Time, Cazz, Geyanna, Grungi, DarkSol, Robovinski and anyone else I might have missed. Please understand my mind isn't working at full speed right now. And I am very sorry to anyone who I might have been short and "assholish" towards. I am normally an asshole, but the past couple of days, I know I've been more of one.

Tonight is my first night back at work. And on the way into the building, there is this huge ashtray sitting right next to the door. I glanced over at it as I came through the door. I actually spotted at least 4 butts that were practically untouched. Just waiting for me to break down and light them. I've resisted for 2 and a half hours so far. Five and a half to go.

Wish me lots of luck. Fifty and a half hours and counting now.

~peace