50 Hours Ago

50 hours ago, I made a decision to stop a bad habit. A habit many of my friends share with me. A habit that slowly robs us of being in control of ourselves.

That habit is called smoking.

I am still not sure I will be able to defeat this demon, but I'm giving it my all.

I have been smoking for about 10 years. Not very long by some smoker's standards, but much longer than I ever dreamed I would be stuck in this trap. I had quit once before, with the help of the nicotine patch. And I stayed quit for about 3 or 4 months. Then a pretty heavy event crossed my life, and I bummed a smoke from a friend. Within a week, I was back to over a pack a day. It's a vicious cycle.

That first time I quit, I had made my "quit date" weeks in advance. I crossed off the days until that day hit. I tried to time my last few cigarette pack purchases so that I wouldn't waste them. I told my close friends of my intentions, in hopes I could get support from them. I bought the patch and read the instructions. And it did work, I did quit. I just didn't stay quit.

This time, I did things entirely differently. I didn't set a "date" in stone. I only told one person that I was even thinking about quitting. Until I actually smoked my last one, I didn't even tell anyone that I was trying to quit. I bought a carton about a week ago. Knowing that I usually smoke a pack or a pack and a half a day, I knew that I would run out somewhere around Thursday or Friday. I took my last drag on Friday around 6:00pm Eastern time.

That was about 50 hours ago. I did not use the patch this time. I didn't use the gum or any of the cessation drugs. This time is cold turkey. And FUCK YES, this is hard. I honestly never thought I would be able to hold out this long without some kind of slip. Bumming a smoke off of someone, taking a drag off of someone's already burning cigarette, or digging through my trash can for a butt that might have a drag left in it. But I have thus far resisted. The urge has been absolutely staggering. I have periods of time, this being one of them, that my skin is just constantly tingling, even my scalp. Very similar to the sensation one might get after doing a line or two of coke. (er, so I'm told...Yeah, that's it).

I have been trying to keep myself occupied. Chatting in my radio station's chat room, playing LOTS AND LOTS of Spider Solitaire, listening to a lot of music, playing a lot of music. I had a radio show to do on Saturday. That was very interesting, because I normally smoke twice as much while I'm DJ'ing. Getting through that without a cigarette was quite the challenge. I only screamed a couple of times. Heh. The guests and fellow DJ's and managers at AKA have been very supportive during this time. They let me scream and shout, and still give me bits of encouragement.

So thank you Tigre, tookey, nine, Cinco, phaedie, T-R-O-U-B-L-E, Dreheil, Kyra, Time, Cazz, Geyanna, Grungi, DarkSol, Robovinski and anyone else I might have missed. Please understand my mind isn't working at full speed right now. And I am very sorry to anyone who I might have been short and "assholish" towards. I am normally an asshole, but the past couple of days, I know I've been more of one.

Tonight is my first night back at work. And on the way into the building, there is this huge ashtray sitting right next to the door. I glanced over at it as I came through the door. I actually spotted at least 4 butts that were practically untouched. Just waiting for me to break down and light them. I've resisted for 2 and a half hours so far. Five and a half to go.

Wish me lots of luck. Fifty and a half hours and counting now.

~peace